When confronted with a domestic crisis such as this, there's no one else to look to but Martha. Sure enough, I wasn't disappointed when I finally broke down and googled "how to fold a fitted sheet". Not only did marthastewart.com have great written instructions, there was even a video depicting the exact technique. Despite an audience member having an unusually hard time in the video, it's actually quite easy.
I'm now looking forward to a lifetime of my sheets being folded flat into lovely thirds within a few seconds. For anyone else craving this same bliss, here is the video: